Cat Barf commercials and Norbit

So last weekend the movie Norbit opened to gross over $34 million. What's strange is that only 9% of critics said it was good. That means that 91% of film critics think Norbit is a piece of shit, and said shit went on to gross $34 million in a single weekend.

Would this work with food? If commercials presented a soft drink called, oh I don't know, Cat Barf, and it was chunks of old cat food mixed with the stomach fluids of a cat, but it was presented in a really fun way, would people still buy it?

'The commercials for Cat Barf were really silly, so I bought a twelve pack. Food critics told me it was terrible, but they aren't half as zany as the guy who fell down and made a funny face in the Cat Barf commercial. He's hilarious!'

(Cat Barf jingle plays)
Cat Barf: you'll know it by that gagging sound!
(10-second shot of cat vomiting)

Don't see bad movies, friends.

(work.)

The lesson here is to be a smart consumer. Read reviews before you spend money and time on something, and don't drink anything that comes out of a cat.

Cleaning dried vomit off a Comcast modem

A while back I talked about how, after a ridiculous night of drinking, I ended up barfing on my bedroom floor.

Well, I've long since moved out of that room, but today I returned my old modem and cable box to Comcast and surprise! There was a little puke on the modem.

I figured they'd notice this. 'Excuse me, sir, but there's four-month-old burrito splatter on our modem.' I don't want to explain that.

So instead I used a combination of my index finger and fresh saliva to clean dried vomit off of a modem minutes before I was to return it to a kind old woman working the front desk.

Not my best moment.

(bdubs.)

To answer an inquiry I received, I did not apply the saliva directly to my finger. Rather, I spit on it, then wiped down the modem. Then I handed the spitty modem to an old lady working for a company whose motto is "Comcast - We thank you for choosing us, but we both know we're a monopoly."

And as you may or may not know, the best way to beat a Monopoly is to throw up on it, then give it back to itself.

It's important to note that this tip does not work with the game Monopoly.

Salmon burger and the subsequent vomit geyser

Good Time Charley's, a local watering hole for college kids, needs to fix its advertising before I barf on its waitresses.

A few weeks ago, they were pimping their hot wireless internet, which is great, because who DOESN'T bring a laptop to the bar? Recently, they've taken down the internet ads and put up signs that say the following:

TRY OUR NEW SALMON BURGER!
(picture of sweaty salmon burger in sexy pose)

Charley's is lucky most students become illiterate when they drink, because if people read about fish sandwiches after a few beers, puke would surely burst forth from many mouths like hot water and steam from a geyser.

Go back to the internet ads, please.

(work.)

Read about the other misguided antics of Good Time Charley's here.

PUPPIES on your bedroom floor

The following post contained the word "vomit" many times. Because "vomit" is an unsavory word, it will be replaced with the word "puppies" in caps lock.

Nothing says 'you should drink less' like waking up hung over and discovering PUPPIES on your bedroom floor.

I didn't remember PUPPIESing, but I don't think anybody came over, so I can only assume it's mine. And I'm always surprised by the color of PUPPIES. I mean, I don't remember eating anything fluorescent pink.

I wish I could make my PUPPIES smell better, too. From now on, I'm eating nothing but cinnamon rolls. Those always smell delicious. Not even an aborted trip through my digestive tract could ruin the sweet scent of cinnamon rolls.

(showering, then buying some Resolve.)

I've covered everything from poop to old people to handicapped parking, yet very rarely does an away message get complaints. The lesson here is that respectable ladyfolk don't like reading away messages about me throwing up in my bedroom. And that's great, because I don't like writing about throwing up in my bedroom. I also don't like writing about writing about throwing up in my bedroom in my bedroom.

Second alarm versus vomiting

I was sitting here, wondering what I write my away message about, when I got to thinking about what would happen if I turned off my alarm at 6am, set another alarm for a little later (but set it for pm instead of am), then slept in and didn't get to work at 8am.

I figured I'd call into work and say I was throwing up all morning, but I don't like to lie, so I thought about making myself vomit into the toilet upstairs so that when I called in sick and talked about throwing up I could do it honestly.

Then I started gagging in my chair just thinking about the scenario, getting ready for tomorrow morning's hypothetical vomit party, when I figured:
Maybe I'll just set a second alarm right now.

If I can take a mental detour that ends with me throwing up early (as opposed to on time, which is somehow much better), it's not worth it. Second alarm it is.

(Bed.)

This happens almost every morning. I set an alarm that's overambitious, giving myself two hours to get ready for work. Ideally, I'd wake up, eat breakfast, do some situps, take a shower, then leave for work early.

To date, I've never done this.

Instead, I wake up, set an alarm giving me another 30 minutes of sleep, then I wake up, set another alarm, then finally wake up an hour before work, shower, put pants on, and go to work hungry and running a little bit late.

This would, of course, be fixed if I would just get fired.

Eat the Hotdog Chunks In My Barf

Well, it's early and I'm drowsy, so you know what that means: time to get behind the wheel of an automobile.

Would anyone really mind if we just pushed back life by a few hours? Starting things before lunch should be a crime. Morning people can get their own little island like lepers, because they sure as hell aren't normal.

I pretty much just compared someone who gets up at 5am to go running to someone whose body is falling apart because of a disease. I'd say that's fair, given how much morning people make me want to barf into their hair.

Oh, you got up at 4am and did laundry and walked your dog before your weekly 8am class? Well, I just got hotdog chunks in your bangs. Eat it, early risers. Eat the hotdog chunks in my barf. Jerks.

(Work.)

When I have to wake up early, I get angry and I feel the need to make people eat vomit. Some people drink coffee. I daydream about making you chew regurgitated food.