The Rapist Saturation of MySpace

Are other people receiving friend requests from total strangers on Facebook or am I the only one?

I thought Facebook was above this. If you wanted to be internet friends with weirdos and rapists, you go to MySpace. That's just what it's for. Sometimes rapists on MySpace accidentally try to meet up and rape each other. It's crazy, the rapist saturation of MySpace.

But Facebook - Facebook was how you connected with friends from class or old school buddies, not a means to be cyber-pals with some random fucking high school kid who shoots friend requests all willy nilly like a goddamn... high school... kid.

Jesus.

(sleep.)

On Facebook, I'm Henry Birdseye, 23-year-old graduate student. On MySpace, I'm Slippery H, 69-year-old (lolz) African American pro skateboarder.

Friendship level up

Tonight I realized that as soon as someone says "I'll tell you about this when I know you better" I immediately start planning times for me and this person to hang out. I brainstorm movies we should see together, mutual friends we can invite so it's less gay, and great picnic spots.

'What, we're not good enough friends NOW? Then let's ride on a bicycle built for two and THEN we'll see who's good enough friends. You asshole. Let's go ride bikes.'

The very phrase 'when we're better friends' acknowledges that friendship is on many different levels, and at one point, friendships will ascend these levels. I think when they do, there should be a ceremony. Let's say you and a friend go on a backpacking trip. As soon as you save his life by scaring away a bear or sucking venom out of a snakebite, there should be a little fanfare and the words FRIENDSHIP LEVEL UP! should appear above your head.

How exciting would that be? I'd be saving ALL my friends if that happened.

You know, instead of letting them get hurt, which is what I usually do.

(work.)

Darryl's Happy Birthday dream

magusspire: my present to you is a summary of a dream i had last night
magusspire: i dreamt i was hanging out with this hot girl i know who has huge boobs
magusspire: and it turns out shes a hermaphrodite, and she wants to show me her wang to prove it
magusspire: and im like ughhh ok i guess, but first take off your shirt and let me play with your tits, so i can have like 5 minutes of enjoying your tits before i see your cockgina
magusspire: long story short, her tits were great and her cock was bigger than mine
magusspire: happy birthday buddy

(out.)

Darryl is the winner of the Best Birthday Message Contest. As winner of said contest, his entry will be posted in my blog just now. In addition to that, he can also borrow my book on dream psychology to find out what it means when you dream about big-tittied hermaphrodites having bigger penises than you.

I'm 22 today, plus vasectomy humor

It's July 28, which means I'm 22 today.

Amy's parents got me something for my birthday. Supposedly it's 'something that I don't know I need yet', 'something that will help me in adulthood.' I have a sinking feeling I'm going to open a box just to see a piece of paper with the word 'VASECTOMY' written on it.

But in all seriousness, it's probably one of those gifts you don't know you need until you have it, like a snake bite kit or a convincing blond wig.

(22.)

Amy's family ended up getting me a nice leather bag, and I think the best part about getting that leather bag was keeping my vas deferens.

Thanks to everybody who came to Dominick's and got drunk with me. You guys are all gold medalists in the Special Olympics of Friendship.

Personality over looks, my ass

This morning the news reported that when polled, men claim to want a great personality instead of a nice body when looking for the ideal woman.

That survey didn't prove a goddamn thing. If anything, it just proves that when polled in a survey situation, men will report to want personality over looks. You want honest results? Have them fill out those survey scantrons with their penises.

The news just wanted to make people happy with this survey because nobody thinks they have a bad personality. They say 'guys want personality' and EVERY woman will think, 'whew, I'm desirable, even if I'm fat,' and then they'll feel better about themselves.

...at least until they're thrown into a panic by the next headline, which is about the seven household items that may be giving you hepatitis while you sleep.

(Work.)

No man's ever had an intellectual discussion with a girl and then gotten really horny because she made a funny joke about Socrates. However, if she's already hot: bonus. If she's ulgy: then let's just talk online or something, funny ugly girl. I will accept your jokes as long as they do not involve eye contact.

Now I feel like any platonic lady friends that read this are going to suddenly get offended because I just said, "Ugly chicks, see you on the internet." A quick clarification before I end this post: I talk to most people I know on the internet, or so my overflowing buddy list would imply. If I talk to you online but we don't hang out, it's not because you're ugly. It's because the internet is a medium of communication that lets me talk to many, many people from anywhere in the world without me having to put pants on.

Also, you're ugly.

Hardcore music can ruin new friendships

You ever meet someone and immediately get off on the wrong foot with them?

Back when I was planning rock shows, I was introduced to this guy named Daniel during an Enthura concert. Enthura is a hardcore band, and their instrumental work is quality, but their vocals are the screechiest, most unintelligible horse shit I have ever heard. It's like someone told the lead vocalist to make fun of bad metal vocals, then he forgot he was joking and kept sounding like an asshole.

Anyway, I see Enthura playing, and some kids start swinging their arms around (this is called 'hardcore dancing'), and this combination of high-pitched wailing and arm flailing was hilarious, so I turn to my new friend Daniel and say, 'These guys fucking suck.'

He must have misheard me ('suck' = 'rock'?), because he leaned in, smiled, and said, 'I live with these guys. They're awesome!'

I nodded, then left without saying anything else, because there's no recovering from that difference of opinion.

(meeting.)

Bonus content: Also, here's a video on the origin of hardcore dancing. The accuracy is frightening.

Also, Enthura is on Myspace. Check out their music, and do your best to ignore the vocals. They're like turds on an otherwise delicious chocolate cake.

Is it just me or do screamy hardcore vocalists sound a lot like that "You stole my fucking Cloudsong" guy?

For those of you who don't know what is happening in the Cloudsong video, let me explain:
A nerd playing an online game felt that someone stole his magical video game item, so he proceeded to freak the fuck out, in doing so making the other nerds very uncomfortable.

I think My Screaming Cloudsong would be a decent hardcore band name, assuming it isn't already taken.

Myspace.com: facebook for dropouts and other folk

The thing about Facebook is that to join, you have to go to college. Doesn't matter if it's a good one. Harvard and Oakland Community College are both on there. Which means that if you're not on Facebook, you didn't go to college.

And when I'm looking for old friends from elementary school or whatever and I search and they're not on Facebook, you know what I conclude from that?

They're dead. All my friends from 6th grade are dead because they aren't a member of facebook.com. I'm sure they're on Myspace.com, which is like a facebook that includes dumb kids, too. Well, just kids in general. And bands. And celebrities.

Hell, my 12 year old brother is on myspace. For me, if my little brother does anything, that takes it down a few pegs. He better join facebook after high school.

(Class.)

This away message proved to me that my friends are nice enough to correct me about dumb crap like there being a Facebook for high schoolers.

I understand that there's a Facebook for high school kids, but I refuse to acknowledge its existence.

You have to earn Facebook, people. College Facebook is your proof that you got into a place of higher education. Myspace is your proof that you have a working internet connection. Also, could we get more people playing crappy music on their Myspace pages? Because I want bad music to be guaranteed with every page of that damn community so I have good reason to never join.

Internet friendship, anyone?

We can check on each other without actually making any actual contact. Where do we draw the line between an open sense of internet community and just being really fucking creepy?

Also, who out there has internet-only friends? As in, people with whom you chat, but you have never met in person. A lot of people had them in middle school, then most people ditched theirs, but I just realized I have a decent amount of them. The concept first seems to be pointless, then after some thought, it still seems pointless, then you actually talk to someone interesting and it makes sense. So who out there has no problem talking to strangers? Who has the internet balls to do that? And if you're a girl, why do you have balls? Italicized ones, no less.

Riddle me that, internet.

(Bed.)

To date, over 400 strangers have IMed me. About seven of them have been interesting.

Facebook friend details

Facebook's new 'How do I know this person?' feature is undoubtedly going to make a lot of people very sad.

People will realize that a vast majority of their internet friends are total strangers, and then naturally the next step is to process this fact in your head so that it comes out as OH MY FUCK, ALL MY FRIENDS ARE FAKE.

And that's when the suicides begin. People discover that an entire internet identity is a sham, that all the people they considered online friends have no actual link to them, and that there is no reason to stick around.

Then they'll remember that the internet is full of weak connections and that what's happening here is the nature of the internet. Nobody really knows anybody, but man, can we swap porn.

The end.

(Bed.)