Final Fantasy XII: Sci-Fi Fantasy Exposed Chest Adventure

Final Fantasy XII just came in the mail, and here's what I imagine the game is like based on the box alone.



Main character on cover of the box: 'Let's go on an adventure in a sci-fi fantasy world!'
Other guy: 'Whoa, why are you dressed like that? You're going to go on an adventure in that... half-vest? I can see most of your chest. What the hell?'
Main character: 'We're in the future! People probably dress like this. It's cool. See those airships in the background? I bet those are crazy, huh? I wonder if they're powered by magic!'
Other guy: 'What's crazy is that you're going to save the world and I can almost see your nipples. Why don't you cast Shirtaga and cover up? You look like an asshole.'
Main character: 'Wow, a sci-fi fantasy world. Maybe we'll see a dragon...made of robots! This game is going to be awesome.'

I hope the guy on the cover isn't dressed like that for the whole game. Spending countless hours on a video game is silly enough without forcing me to look at an inappropriately half-dressed man the whole time. It's like this is a joke played on us by the Japanese. 'Ha ha, America! In the Japanese version, he's wearing a suit! No exposed chest at all! Thanks again for those bombs in World War II, assholes!'

(work.)

Gift certificate for Japan

I don't know how to feel when I receive a gift card, because gift cards say, 'Here, go buy something, but only at this one place.'

Sure, the gift card's thoughtful because the person who gave it to you knew that you liked shopping at a particular store, but really the gift card is just limiting where you can spend your money. Had they just given you cash, you could have spent that at a million more places. Now you can only spend it at that one place.

Next Christmas if someone gives me a gift card, I'm getting them some yen. They'll look at me like, 'Yen?' and I'll say, 'Yen. That's a gift certificate for Japan. Hope it's not too out of the way for you.'

(work.)

Hope you like dirty magazines, apartment tourists

Hey Katz,

Our landlord is showing the apartment tomorrow, so I'll tidy up the living room and kitchen in the morning.

You may have noticed that I've put piles of Asian porn on your bedroom floor. Don't move it. It took me a long time to arrange the piles of Asian porn to spell out 'Please live here next year, apartment tourists.'

Yeah, I have a lot of Asian porn.

I'll tell you what: after the apartment showing tomorrow, you can peel off whatever magazines you can keep whatever you can separate from the rest of the pile.

Yeah, the porn is used.

Anyway, just giving you a heads up. If there's any porn you want spread all over the living room, feel free to go for it. Have a nice night.

-Henry

(bed.)

We didn't really lay porn out, but the last tour that went through probably saw the giant wiener I drew on the shower door with my finger that morning.

eBay feedback for everybody

I think we need to be able to leave eBay-style feedback on more things. Sometimes I feel the need to inform people of how other people are at certain things.

• DID NOT USE TURN SIGNAL, WOULD NOT DRIVE BEHIND AGAIN
• Uses dishwasher! great roommate!!!!!!!!!!!!
• Asked me how I was doing but did not really care. Not a good Kroger checkout girl!
• quick handjob a+++++++++ crack whore!

I was inspired with this idea when some asshole on the freeway cut over without using his turn signal and I thought to myself, 'I should give him some bad feedback, then everybody will know he sucks at driving.'

This characterizes two of the top uses for the internet: talking trash about people and complaining about your life

I hope you learned a lot about the internet today and continue to use it in your daily life.

(work.)

The #1 use for the internet is still the viewing and distribution of pornography. Just saying that now so nobody thinks I forgot it. I'm still keeping it real (by watching pornography).

Also, I think 'A+++++++ Crack Whore' sounds like the name of an avant garde techno/hardcore band.

More Google Analytics fun

Searches used to find my blog include:

• tubgirl virus
• how to fix a squeaky bed
• dishwasher leaving black specks on everything
• how do you know if someone deleted you from aim buddy list
• forklift woman tshirt
• and the most disturbing: baby oiled men rub down

Top 3 non-google referrals:
3) Devin's blog (thanks much, Devin)
2) My Facebook profile (thanks, me)
1) A search at icerocket.com for 'sex with animals' (gross)

Top page for content?
'Google Analytics Keyword WTF'
(but that could just be because I included the tag 'sex with animals', once again making bestiality the main draw for this blog)

(work.)

I won some giant shoes

Yesterday I won a pair of shoes in a contest held by Microsoft, but there's a catch: I can't wear them.

A friend referred me to a LeBron James-themed contest where you can win 'A pair of Nike Zoom shoes' or 'A Zune with LeBron's playlist on it.' So I fill out the entry form and see a screen that says, 'Hey, you won Nike Zoom Shoes from Microsoft. Check your email for confirmation.' I got excited, because I could use some new shoes.

Then I get an email saying, 'You won a pair of size 16 shoes signed by LeBron James.'

Ah, crap. What the hell am I going to do with a pair of giant shoes?

I've got over two and a half months until they arrive, so I have time to figure out what I'll do with them. Here's my current List of Things To Do With a Giant Pair of Shoes:

• Wear my regular shoes, then put on the giant shoes for extra shoe protection
• Raise children inside of them
• Climb inside of one of them and hop around the Mushroom Kingdom.
• Sell them on eBay to someone silly enough to want to pay for another person's giant autographed shoes

Do YOU have any suggestions?

(work.)

My roommate is a good guy, cat, hobbit

My roommate's a swell guy and I'll gladly vouch for him if ever the ladiez are debating grabbing a slice of short Hebrew lovin'.

'Hey girl, you know how is name is Katz? Turns out we've got a coincidence on our hands and he's like cats, too. He's got an abrasive tongue. You ever receive oral sex from a cat before? Baby, you haven't lived.'

'You've seen Lord of the Rings before, right? Did you find those furry little hobbits sexy? If so, you should meet my roommate. He's got a ring for you, baby. It's his O-ring. C'mon, be the Samwise Gamgee to his Frodo Baggins.'

I've found that the best way to get a man laid is to compare him to animals and talk about Lord of the Rings. Women like that stuff, right?

(work.)

International That's What She Said Day

Today is International 'That's What She Said' Day, so be sure to exhaust this punchline so you don't have to use it for another year.

I know it's a big deal and
it's really hard, but
do your best to keep it up.
You'll feel good when you're done, and
your friends will be impressed with your performance.

Forcing yourself to do it may hurt at first,
but in the end the payoff will be amazing.

See if you can do it all day.

I gave you a pretty good start, given that you could say 'That's what she said' after about 8 lines in this away message.

Go now, and embrace today! And don't get flaccid! (that's what she said)

(work.)

Valentine's Day gifts misinterpreted

Happy Valentine's Day!

Here are some gifts you can give your girlfriend and the ways she can misinterpret what you mean by giving them:
Flowers - They're pretty but expensive and temporary, just like our relationship. Expect both to be dead in a few days.
Chocolates - Eat up, fatty.
A kitten - You're incapable of managing a child, so here's the first of many cats.
A poem - I don't like you enough to spend money on you. Plus, maybe I'm gay.
A song - I'd rather play the guitar than spend money on you.
Lingerie - Dimming the lights isn't helping you look better, so let's try something else. Something lacy.
A book - Boring people like boring stuff, right?

Enjoy your day, everybody, and if you're single and feeling down, just remember that in times like this there's nothing a little self lovin' won't cure. You know what I mean.

(work.)

I mean you should masturbate. A lot.

Cat Barf commercials and Norbit

So last weekend the movie Norbit opened to gross over $34 million. What's strange is that only 9% of critics said it was good. That means that 91% of film critics think Norbit is a piece of shit, and said shit went on to gross $34 million in a single weekend.

Would this work with food? If commercials presented a soft drink called, oh I don't know, Cat Barf, and it was chunks of old cat food mixed with the stomach fluids of a cat, but it was presented in a really fun way, would people still buy it?

'The commercials for Cat Barf were really silly, so I bought a twelve pack. Food critics told me it was terrible, but they aren't half as zany as the guy who fell down and made a funny face in the Cat Barf commercial. He's hilarious!'

(Cat Barf jingle plays)
Cat Barf: you'll know it by that gagging sound!
(10-second shot of cat vomiting)

Don't see bad movies, friends.

(work.)

The lesson here is to be a smart consumer. Read reviews before you spend money and time on something, and don't drink anything that comes out of a cat.

Good thing she had those checked out

Doctor: 'Fergie, we've taken a look at those lumps you mentioned.'
Fergie: 'My humps. My humps, my humps my humps. My lovely lady lumps.'
Doctor: 'Yeah...those. Anyway, it's cancer.'

(work.)

Who gave the dumb girl WD40?

The printers we use at work have some moving parts that get to be very warm, so imagine my surprise when a girl sprayed WD40 all over one.

We got a call yesterday reporting that one of the printers in the Language Resource Center was 'squeaky,' but when my fellow rover Chris arrived to fix the problem, a girl who works behind the desk there told him that she'd 'taken care of it.' Chris checked the supposedly fixed printer and found that the back of it had been coated in WD40.

Bitch, you just added something very flammable to something very hot. Unless everyone not being on fire was the problem, you didn't take care of shit.

She told Chris 'when I first sprayed it on there, the printer started smoking.' That's the first sign that you've done something dangerously stupid, you clowntard.

The lesson here is that when something is hot, don't add WD40 to it, unless you hate being not on fire, in which case, go crazy, you idiot.

(work.)

When Chris told her that she turned the printer into a fire hazard, she didn't apologize for inadvertently making a bomb. She seemed a little frustrated, like that's how she takes care of all of her problems. Maybe she uses WD40 to fix all of her squeaky gates, headaches, and yeast infections.

Either way, let's hope she can use WD40 to find a new job.

Bud Light spends too much on advertising again

Yesterday I was watching the Super Bowl ads on Youtube and holy shit, Bud Light paid a lot of money to remind people that they can still buy shitty beer.

In at least six commercials, people treated Bud Light like it was liquid gold mixed with the cure for sadness. In one commercial a guy gets his friend to play paper rock scissors for the last Bud Light, but instead he throws a rock at his face and takes the shitty beer. Another guy got an auctioneer to ruin a guy's wedding so he could drink shitty beer sooner.

What I learned from these commercials is that apparently a lot of people are poor and can't just go to the store and buy their own cheap, shitty beer, and instead have to hurt their friends to get it for free.

Sometimes TV makes me sad.

(work, and frozen boogers.)

If a friend of mine hit a guy with a rock so he could drink some bad beer, I'd have to pull him aside.

"Hey buddy, are things going ok at work? You just hit that guy with a rock for a Bud Light. That's worth maybe, maybe two dollars. You still have a job, right?"
And he'd start holding back tears and say, "Bud Light makes the pain go away."

Come to think of it, though, I think every character in a Bud Light commercial must be unemployed, because that's the only way someone could love shitty beer so much. Think about that next time you're watching one of the seventy-two Bud Light commercials currently airing on TV right now.

Inventive Birdseyes throughout history

You already know Clarence Birdseye invented the frozen food process, but what about the OTHER inventive Birdseyes?
1302 - Joseph Birdseye invents bees.
1742 - Ignatius Birdseye discovers the kiwi fruit, originally naming it 'the fruity camel testicle' (but changing it after copyright issues arose).
1864 - Gerald Birdseye debunks the popular myth that a woman cannot get pregnant if her male counterpart is wearing a top hat more than 6 inches tall
1912 - Walter Birdseye invents the twelve-pronged fork, which is received with little excitement.
2437 (and 1934) - Zervich Birdseye is the first human to go back in time just to fuck with people by lying about an apocalyptic event that must be prevented at all costs.

(work.)

I thought I just made up the name Zervich for the first time because it's so goofy, but Google told me that apparently there are people out there who have the name Zervich and aren't from the future. OR ARE THEY?

You're somehow less creepy bringing a 12 year old boy with you

Yesterday there was a knock at my door, so I open it and there's a tall man standing next to a very bored looking child. The guy immediately jumps into his 'let's talk about God' speech, so I said I had to go, he gave me a pamphlet, and I closed the door. Run of the mill door-to-door God salesman, right?

Well then why he did bring a child with him?

Did he think walking around by himself would be creepy so he decided he'd be less creepy if he walked around with a 12 year old? The kid looked like he'd be happier selling magazines or, I don't know, not hanging out with an old guy all night.

The kid didn't seem to have any part in the guy's speech other than, 'Hi I'm Paul, this is a child, you want a fat bucket of God up in your bidness?'

Man, that guy sucked.

(work.)

If you're going to sell me God, at least tell me the kid's leprosy was cured or something.

"Look at Timmy here. Looks healthy, huh? Well, would you believe that Timmy used to be a dragon? A dragon that was Jewish. Timmy used to be a big, scary Jewish dragon addicted to children's Tylenol. Now he's a boy, all because of the Bible. So, you in?"

And I'd say, "No thanks, but that was a lovely story." I'd even read that stupid pamphlet he handed me, provided it had some sweet dragon illustrations in it.

"Where'd you get that little dragon book?"
"A Christian, can you believe it?"